So I know I don't write on my blog anymore... which makes me sad. But I'm not sure what else to do right now. I know this will all be one jumbled up mess with no line spacing or anything because apparently Macs hate blogdrive. But maybe that's better because that's the way I'm thinking and writing right now.... aimless... continuous... never ending... jumbled up... and messy. I don't know why I fight so hard for things I know aren't worth the fight. I don't know why I let things hurt me... that aren't worth the pain. I don't know why I can't just press the "block" button on facebook. Cause let's face it... facebook sucks when you have EXs. Even if they don't update their facebooks... you can still find out things you don't really care to know. And then you have the others... who have pictures plastered all over the place.... yet again, of things you don't really care to see. I know it's pitiful... but let's face it, I have no self control. I look and listen to and seek out things that I know will hurt me. Why? Who the hell knows. Maybe because it makes me feel... something. I do what I like to call "fight the funk" everyday now. It's like this constant gnawing at my heart, my mind, and even my body. I look down on myself... think bad about myself... but I don't do anything to change it. I don't work out to try to lose the weight I've gained... I constantly look at my phone even though I know I'm not going to see what I want. And I hurt people who don't deserve to be hurt... because I like the attention and good feeling knowing someone adores me... if only for a moment... even if I practically can't stand to be around them. Yup, pitiful. I'm not happy. And normally I would say "even though I should be." But there isn't much in my life that truly makes me happy. My best friend lives an hour away... and half the time I never know what to expect from her. Some days she's happy and brings so much joy into my life... and other days she's just like me: fighting and struggling to just be happy. Work is long, hard, and stressful every single night/day... and just when I think it's going to get better/easier... a new schedule comes out and realize the next 2 weeks are going to be just like the last... long, hard, and stressful. I don't do anything else. None of my friends are around... or even call me to hang out... not that I would be able to anyway, I sleep all day and work 10-14 hours a night. I have no real goals or aspirations or things that make me happy... other than to find something that makes me happy. But how do you do that when you have no desire to go out and search for that thing that makes you happy? I know, I basically just sound like a depressed and lazy brat. And maybe that's what I am... but this funk makes me believe that's all I can be. It makes me believe that I'm not supposed to be happy. Will a man make me happy? Who knows... I don't necessarily see myself finding that out anytime soon either. I mean, how am I supposed to meet someone without looking desperate... I'm only 23... and I'm already deathly afraid of ending up alone. I'm afraid no one will want the broken down fat mess I've let myself become the past 6 months. I miss Matthew, and the way he made me feel beautiful all the time. And the way he made me feel like I could do no wrong... though I was still just as big of a screw up as I am now. I miss Stephen and the exciting feeling I got whenever I saw how dang cute he was... or got a fun text message in the middle of the night just cause he knew I was up. But if I'm honest with myself... neither of those people would probably make me truly happy now. They would only make me happy because I always want what I can't have. And I always thing that thing or those things that I DON'T have are what would make me happy. I'm constantly looking for distractions. Constantly looking for things that take my mind off the things I don't wan to think about. I think that's why I always come home, eat, watch TV on DVD and don't go to sleep. I could have ran/worked out all three days so far this week... but I didn't. I didn't wan to put on work-out clothes that I know won't be comfortable anymore because I've gained so much weight. And I don't want my arms to jiggle or my thighs to flop while I'm running... because I know they will... and they didn't a year ago. So I just do what I've been doing... I work, I eat, I watch TV, I look at things that hurt me all over facebook... all the while searching for something that will make me laugh or smile... usually unsuccessfully, and then I sleep. Work, Eat, Fight the Funk, Sleep. What a boring existence. I'm done now.. *TIFF*